Night Out

What a wonderful night my hubby and I had!  Sure bliss. :)

Accepting What I Can Not Change

Sometimes I think it's ridiculous how I can still long for something I never had and never will have.  My intellectual part of my self realizes this, but there are times when my heart cries out I guess. 

Although I truly understand why you finally just left, it still hurt.  After all we were just kids, trying to survive in the cracked foundation beneath our feet.  The alcoholism was over whelming.  I felt like you took an eraser and erased us.  I often look back, seeing my life from a distance, like watching a movie. Feel perplexed how the strings were cut so swift and quick.  I've lived so long w/ out you.  I didn't get to know what it is like to have that comfort throughout my life. Expectations  create hurt and later confusion for me. I don't trust you or even really know you.  Sometimes I think I do, I try to bring logic to your actions - so lost, insecure, never received the love, didn't know how to give it. And then I realize I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge my own pain and sadness and sense of loss.  I've always thought about your pain, his pain, her pain. I am allowing me to feel a little pissed off and sad about it all.  Through it I have learned self love and how I need to give the love I yearned for.  I thank God everyday, that I'm able to stand on both feet, chin up, shoulders back and move past it.  And yes, once in awhile I'll watch a movie, or see something that triggers my sad spot or yearning for something I never got and never will get.  Thank you for helping me learn the tough lesson of accepting the things I can not change.  

~ jd

I need a vacation!

I need a vacation, a getaway, a quiet retreat, mother nature... something! I'm tired of being tired of the same old mundane work routine M-F.  Bored to tears!

 

Really Live

We will all die, but only some of us will truly live. 

Girl Time

Where would we be without our friends?  The older I get the more I realize the importance of girl time and having authentic friendships.  Today I am feeling quite blue.  I could sure use some fun girl time right about now!

I want to feel in love again!

I remember just being so in love with my hubby when we first met and then got married!

 Building a life together was so exciting and so much fun!

After 19 years of marriage and many ups and downs on the roller coaster of life... I dream of the above photo!  I have learned that material things and all the things we built together truly don't matter... We adore and love our children and feel so blessed. But....I just want my hubby to adore me and make me feel super special like he did when we first met!  Is this too much to ask?  Today, I am thinking of how I can make an effort to get back to this... he did agree and say he would go on a weekend wine tasting trip w/ me, when I asked him last night.  I told him I miss being romantic and feeling like real love birds.  A long marriage can feel very content.  This is not bad.  But I long for some passion.  I'm only 41 for pete's sake!

Middle Age Crisis For Women or Just me!

I'm tired.  Counting my blessings, but tired.  Dreaming of a home of my own separate from my husband.  Is that so wrong?  We've been married for 19 years.  I long for my independence.  Want to see what life would be like if I got to be in charge all the time of my every decision.  Want to have a home set up and decorated the way I like.  Want to have foods in the kitchen that I like to eat - not just what he likes to eat.  I've openly discussed this with him and of coarse he thinks I'm crazy.  I just want to discover who I really am.  I have been married to him since I was 23 and dated him since 22.  Sometimes I feel like my identity is missing.  Who am I, what do I like? Is that so selfish?  I want to feel free and do things MY WAY not go along w/ his way.  I'm 41 now, but am trying to find meaning in my life.  I work each and every day.  I do the M-F hamster wheel grind.  Is there something so wrong w/ wanting to feel like the Captain of the Ship?  He makes me feel like there is and when I tell him my feelings, he just laughs.  What will I do.  All actions have serious consequences and especially when children are a part of the situation.  I love my children - I love my husband, but sometimes feel like we are more friends than anything else.  I never want to hurt him.  Yet I find myself in misery, day dreaming about what my life / home would look like if I could be me.  Anyone relate to this?

Self Forgiveness

I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.

-- Maya Angelou

Whole Purpose

 We have to steer our true life's course. 

Whatever our calling is in life!

The whole purpose of being here

is to figure out what that is as soon as possible,

so you go about the business of being on track,

of not being owned by what your mother said,

what society said, whatever people think

a woman is supposed to be...

when you can exceed other people's expectations

and be defined by your own!

~ OW

God Bless!  ~ Jan

Preparing for Santa

Oh the magic of Christmas and preparation!

Why do weekends buzz by so quickly?  Is tomorrow really Monday? Yikes.  Well, we did get both Christmas Trees up this weekend.  Now we'll see how much of the outside lighting I can get done today.  We certainly want Santa coming to our house this Christmas!  :)

... Happy Sunday!

~ Jan

Much to do for Holidays!

This picture is Val and I at work.  I work for a wonderful retirement center and we just got done performing a fun Holiday skit for the residents.  I was lucky enough to be Buddy the Elf :)

Still looking to get a family photo done for Christmas cards.  I am a bit behind this year with all the Christmas decorating, shopping, family photo, etc.  Working full-time and keeping up with everything else can be exhausting at times!  But I'm enjoying the journey and counting my blessings!

Wish me luck at the mall today!  

God Bless! 

~ Jan

Happy Thanksgiving

Getting ready for the big feast tomorrow...will be cooking up some Turkey with all the fixings! 


Happy Thanksgiving!

~ Jan

Lady Diana

I was so sad when Lady Diana died.  There was something very sweet and magical about her. She battled depression, like so many of us do.  She had that certain charm and realism that truly made her so appealing to so many of us.  I truly was a big fan of her and the charity work she did. She appeared to be a very hands on Mom and a good one.  She was so elegant and seemed to be a classy lady.  I admired her.  I had never seen the above photo of her before and had to post it.  I thought it is beyond great.

God Bless and Happy Tuesday,  

~ Jan

The Friendship Baton-Pass it on!

Thank you for this Jesse! Jesse has given me the friendship baton and now I must pass it on! The Main Art Blog is one of his fabulous  blogs  http://www.theartofjesse.blogspot.com/



In respecting the passing of the friendship baton, we shall observe the following rules:


a) Create a blog post, and please use the IMAGE of the relay friendship race...


b) In your post, answer the Eight questions...


c) Pass the baton of friendship to Ten bloggers, and link them in your post...


1 - When you were little and were asked what you wanted to do when you were big; What did you reply?
2 - What were your favorite cartoons?
3 - What were your favorite games?
4 - What year was your nicest birthday and why?
5 - What were the things you absolutely wanted to do, and have not yet done?
6 - What was your first love?
7 - Who was your first musical idol?
8 - Which was the most' beautiful sought (and eventually received), Santa Claus, Jesus' Child, Saint Lucia, christmas gift?
_________________________________


My Answers to the Questions:


I wanted to be a body builder, comedian, singer and actress. My dream was to be on Saturday Night Live.

ScoobyDoo and Popeye were my favorite cartoons.


I loved playing barbies, we had the barbie townhouse with the pull elevator, pink corvette, lil' wicker furniture, so many outfits! I also remember my sister and I playing backgammon a lot.

Sadly, I don't recall my birthdays as a kid or any parties, even though I've seen a photo of one in particular. Recently my sister called me on my birthday and left me a voice mail, singing happy birthday and that touched me.

I want to travel to Italy, London, Ireland and Greece. I've always wanted to run in a marathon, I want to live in many different places - want to live in a cottage near the beach, want a garden, want to live in a high rise condo - way up at the top, want a space of my own for things I love and a place to create!

My first love was speed skating. I belonged to a skate club as a kid and spent a lot of time at the rink.

My first musical idol was Rod Stewart. I remember seeing him on tv, wearing those tight pants and I remember being glued to the tv while he performed and sang - loved his confidence and scratchy voice.

My most beloved Christmas present as a kid was a stuffed bull dog. I wanted a real one, but never got one, but cried when I got the stuffed animal. I remember crying because I felt so happy to get it and hugging it so tight...my reaction made everyone in the house cry.

Below are some wonderful blogs I follow that I have linked to this post to pass on the friendship baton:

http://www.roxannetheartist.blogspot.com/

http://www.theintimatedish.blogspot.com/

http://www.blackandwhitecollage.blogspot.com/
http://www.suefurrow.blogspot.com/
http://www.bluebirdnotes.blogspot.com/
http://www.latest-bmw.blogspot.com/
http://www.rubyjunescottage.blogspot.com/
http://www.sharonlaffertyart.blogspot.com/
http://www.stfusarrah.blogspot.com/
http://www.highartat1968.blogspot.com/

Thanks for sharing and being a part of this fun friendship baton! Pass it on!

I won 2nd place at work for Halloween costume contest...that's me the cowgirl! Giddy Up!

God Bless and Happy Days!  ~Jan

True Beauty

 

One thing I have learned is that true beauty comes from within.  The most beautiful people I know have an inner beauty.  They just glow from the inside out and send off a magical vibe of contentment and happiness that external beauty alone can not.

God Bless,

~Jan

The Last Lecture

I just got finished reading this amazing book, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch.  I just had to share some of the fabulous quotes from the book.

• And as you get older, you may find that
  "enabling the dreams of others" thing is even more fun. (p. 4)

• When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering
  to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics
  are your ones telling you they still love you and care. (p. 5)

• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. (p. 6)

• The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out.
  The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.
  Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.
  They're there to stop the other people. (p. 8)

• [On Humility] My dad had fought in World War II in the Battle of the Bulge,
  and when we were going through his things [after he died], we found out
  he had been awarded the Bronze Star for Valor. My mom didn't know it.
  In 50 years of marriage it had just never come up. (p. 17)

• When I was in high school, I decided to paint my bedroom   I always wanted a submarine and an elevator... And the great thing about this is
  they let me do it. And they didn't get upset about it. And it's still there.
  If you go to my parent's house it's still there. And anybody who is out there
  who is a parent, if your kids want to paint their bedroom, as a favor to me
  let them do it. It'll be OK. Don't worry about resale value on the house. (pp. 17-18)

• Decide if you're Tigger or Eeyore. Never lose the childlike wonder.
  It's just too important. It's what drives us. Help others. (p. 19)

• How do you get people to help you? You can't get there alone. People have
  to help you and I do believe in karma. I believe in paybacks. You get people
  to help you by telling the truth. Being earnest. I'll take an earnest person
  over a hip person every day, because hip is short term. Earnest is long term. (p. 21)

• Apologize when you screw up and focus on other people, not on yourself. (p. 21)

• Remember brick walls let us show our dedication. They are there to separate us
  from the poeple who don't really want to achieve their childhood dreams. (p. 21)

• Anybody can get chewed out. It's the rare person who says, oh my god, you were right.
  When people give you feedback, cherish it and use it. (p. 22)

• Don't complain. Just work harder. [shows slide of Jackie Robinson, the first black
  major league baseball player] That's a picture of Jackie Robinson. It was in his
  contract not to complain, even when the fans spit on him. (p. 22)

• Be good at something, it makes you valuable. (p. 22)

• Work hard. I got tenure a year early. Junior faculty members used to say to me,
  wow, you got tenure early. What's your secret? I said, it's pretty simple.
  Call me any Friday night in my office at ten o'clock and I'll tell you. (p. 22)

• Find the best in everybody... you might have to wait a long time, sometimes years,
  but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting no matter how long it takes.
  No one is all evil. Everybody has a good side, just keep waiting, it will come out. (p. 22)

• And be prepared. Luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity. (p. 22)

Sadly Randy lost his battle with cancer. 

~ Jan

Depression

"Creativity is the antithesis of depression. It is a way of saying that what I think and feel matters...Depression is not just an illness, but a failure of creativity. We all face the problem of creating meaning in our lives. When we're depressed, we've lost hope for meaning. We all need to make a delberate effort to make the self fertile; for the depressive, that effort is essential to life."

Richard O'Connor, Undoing Depression

She hides below the surface,
The life she wants to forget,
The one where she was forgotten,
Never got to be a kid,
The pain it's all so real,
She tries to chomp it down,
The dark, hidden reality,
That it will never be,
So sharp at times it surfaces,
She's learning how to make a little room,
For this persisting voice from within,
The one that wants to speak,
She's learned just how beautiful it is,
The cocoon she's lived in,
It's preserved her well,
She's emerging as a butterfly,
No longer chewing on sharp glass,
The grip it has released her,
Her voice it is so loud,
Beautiful woman, we hear you,
Keep talking,
Keep living,
You are so amazing,
Self love, self worth and this voice,
She floats across the sky now,
So light, so cool,
Beautiful woman, you are loved!

It's a Witch World

 1. One who practices the black art, or magic; one regarded as possessing supernatural or magical power by compact with an evil spirit, esp. with the Devil; a sorcerer or sorceress; -- now applied chiefly or only to women, but formerly used of men as well. There was a man in that city whose name was Simon, a witch. --Wyclif (Acts viii. 9). He can not abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she's a witch. --Shak.

2. An ugly old woman; a hag. --Shak.

3. One who exercises more than common power of attraction; a charming or bewitching person; also, one given to mischief; -- said especially of a woman or child. [Colloq.]

4. (Geom.) A certain curve of the third order, described by Maria Agnesi under the name versiera.

5. (Zo["o]l.) The stormy petrel.

6. A Wiccan; an adherent or practitioner of {Wicca}, a religion which in different forms may be paganistic and nature-oriented, or ditheistic. The term witch applies to both male and female adherents in this sense. [PJC]

One who exercises more than common power of attraction; a charming or bewitching person ... is that so bad?

Boo!

~ Jan

Just Smile a Little

Smile a little, smile a little,
As you go along,
Not alone when life is pleasant,
But when things go wrong.
Care delights to see you frowning,
Loves to hear you sigh;
Turn a smiling face upon her,
Quick the dame will fly.

Smile a little, smile a little,
All along the road;
Every life must have its burden,
Every heart its load.
Why sit down in gloom and darkness,
With your grief to sup?
As you drink Fate's bitter tonic
Smile across the cup.

Smile upon the troubled pilgrims
Whom you pass and meet;
Frowns are thorns, and smiles are blossoms
Oft for weary feet.
Do not make the way seem harder
By a sullen face,
Smile a little, smile a little,
Brighten up the place.

Smile upon your undone labor;
Not for one who grieves
O'er his task, waits wealth or glory;
He who smiles achieves.
Though you meet with loss and sorrow
In the passing years,
Smile a little, smile a little,
Even through your tears.

A Room of Our Own

“No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.” – Dead Poets Society.

“a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction”

“But for women, I thought, looking at the empty shelves, these difficulties were infinitely more formidable.  In the first place, to have a room of her own, let alone a quiet room or a sound–proof room, was out of the question, unless her parents were exceptionally rich or very noble, even up to the beginning of the nineteenth century.  Since her pin money, which depended on the goodwill of her father, was only enough to keep her clothed, she was debarred from such alleviations as came even to Keats or Tennyson or Carlyle, all poor men, from a walking tour, a little journey to France, from the separate lodging which, even if it were miserable enough, sheltered them from the claims and tyrannies of their families.  Such material difficulties were formidable; but much worse were the immaterial. The indifference of the world which Keats and Flaubert and other men of genius have found so hard to bear was in her case not indifference but hostility.  The world did not say to her as it said to them, Write if you choose; it makes no difference to me.  The world said with a guffaw, Write? What’s the good of your writing? . . . For surely it is time that the effect of discouragement upon the mind of the artist should be measured”

"Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and a lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul. She becomes all outer show and inward emptiness; dull, callous, and indifferent."

"So the days pass, and I ask myself whether one is not hypnotized, as a child by a silver globe, by life, and whether this is living."

~ Virginia Woolf