Sometimes I think it's ridiculous how I can still long for something I never had and never will have. My intellectual part of my self realizes this, but there are times when my heart cries out I guess.
Although I truly understand why you finally just left, it still hurt. After all we were just kids, trying to survive in the cracked foundation beneath our feet. The alcoholism was over whelming. I felt like you took an eraser and erased us. I often look back, seeing my life from a distance, like watching a movie. Feel perplexed how the strings were cut so swift and quick. I've lived so long w/ out you. I didn't get to know what it is like to have that comfort throughout my life. Expectations create hurt and later confusion for me. I don't trust you or even really know you. Sometimes I think I do, I try to bring logic to your actions - so lost, insecure, never received the love, didn't know how to give it. And then I realize I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge my own pain and sadness and sense of loss. I've always thought about your pain, his pain, her pain. I am allowing me to feel a little pissed off and sad about it all. Through it I have learned self love and how I need to give the love I yearned for. I thank God everyday, that I'm able to stand on both feet, chin up, shoulders back and move past it. And yes, once in awhile I'll watch a movie, or see something that triggers my sad spot or yearning for something I never got and never will get. Thank you for helping me learn the tough lesson of accepting the things I can not change.
~ jd
